PREPARING FOR MARRIAGE

The Young People’s Fellowship (YPF) will be heading to the Resort Lautan Biru, Mersing for their annual Bible camp, December 18–22, 2017. I will be speaking to them on the subject of marriage preparation. Why the need for such a theme?

A Strategic Time

“Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge.” (Heb 13:4).

Now, more than ever, teenagers are experimenting with sex, having boyfriends and girlfriends and going out on dates. Young adults are playing husband and wife when they are not even married. Premarital sex has become common. Young couples are going on overseas vacations together, checking into the same hotel room, having their “honeymoon” or multiple “honeymoons” before their wedding.

To a large extent, the promiscuity today is due to the influence of the internet and social media where all kinds of information good and bad (mostly bad) are so readily available and accessible. Young people are curious, and their lustful desires drive them to experiment with things that should be experienced only after marriage. Pornography is just a click away. Thus premarital sex, teenage abortions, and crimes like indecent exposure, outrage of modesty, molestation, rapes etc are on the rise. “Curiosity kills the cat”.

Premarital Counselling

A flood of young couples planning to get married are asking for premarital counselling. I don’t conduct premarital counselling because I don’t want to give people the impression that a brief period of counselling is enough to make them ready for marriage. I am also aware of premarital counsellings that are set up to split up an engagement, not encourage it. The “counselling” so called is really a personality test and if the “counsellor” finds any “incompatibility”, the wedding is off.

I tell engaged couples who want premarital counselling to start studying God’s Word intensively—take the FEBC classes. They need to get serious with God’s Word. Instead of going to the park, or to the beach, or to the cinema, go for FEBC’s night classes together, attend Sunday School, Bible studies, fellowship meetings, prayer meetings etc. Be very involved in spiritual activities and grow in faith and godliness because faith in God and obedience to His Word is the key to success in marriage and a happy and healthy family life. There are no short cuts.

Calvin’s Counsel

The idea for the camp theme came from the booklet Preparing for Marriage: The Premarital Counsel of John Calvin. This booklet “captures some of the premarital counsel which John Calvin gave to the youth and families of Geneva. It draws from two categories of Calvin’s writings, bringing up interesting and helpful counsel for young people and their families in order to help them navigate the single years and enter successfully into marriage.”

As such, this subject is meant to be (1) protective (to fulfil my pastoral duty as guardian of God’s flock), (2) preventive (to warn young people of the dangers of sexual immorality), (3) preparative (to help them discover God’s will for their lives), and (4) proactive (to exhort them to trust and obey God’s Word).

In the camp, we shall discuss the following questions: (1) Why marry? (2) Whom should I marry? (3) How to find a spouse? (4) What is the parents’ role in their children’s marriage? (5) What should a wedding service be like and how should it be conducted? (6) What is a Christian family and home? (7) How about singlehood?

First Things First

How did it all begin? In Genesis 2:18–25, we find God creating marriage. In the Garden of Eden, God saw that it was not good for man to be alone. So He made for Adam a helper—a companion—a wife. He beautifully designed and carefully made a woman, and presented her to him (Gen 1:27–28). A perfect fit!

Marriage is thus not simply a bilateral but a trilateral relationship. Three is not a crowd when God is the third. God as the Divine Matchmaker must be figured in every marriage relationship. The problem today is that God is taken out of the picture. Divorce would never be an option for the Christian if God is placed first in a marriage relationship. A breakdown in our marriage is usually due to a breakdown in our personal walk with God.

Marriages that are on the rocks need the Rock—the Lord Jesus Christ. Troubled couples need to stop talking and start doing. Start obeying this divine counsel: “Submitting yourselves one to another in the fear of God. Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it … So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church … Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband” (Eph 5:21–33).

Marriage Is a Covenant

Malachi 2:14 speaks of marriage as a covenant: “Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.” What is a marriage covenant? A marriage covenant is a solemn agreement before God between a man and woman to be each other’s loyal and loving companions for life. Calvin said, “Marriage is a covenant consecrated by God.” A covenant has rules. These rules are set by God. If we want a blissful marriage and be blessed in our marriage we must play by God’s rules. A marriage breaks down when we break the covenant by violating God’s rules.

Between a Man and Woman

One fundamental rule is monogamy. When God made for man a woman, He took one rib from Adam to make one Eve; He did not take two or more to make several or many. Note the singular, “a woman” (Gen 2:23), and “his wife” (Gen 2:24–25). More importantly is the thought of “one flesh” (v 24)—the physical and spiritual unity between a man and a woman. The “one flesh” concept rules out polygamy as an option. That is why in the New Testament, it is required of a leader in the church to be “the husband of one wife” (1 Tim 3:2).

This fact is also attested by analogy of Jesus’ relationship to the Church—His Bride. There is but one Bride of Christ—the one true, invisible, universal Church comprising all of God’s elect. That is why when a married person has a sexual relationship with another person other than his lawful spouse, it is adultery. “Thou shalt not commit adultery” (the seventh commandment). Yes, in the Old Testament we have many instances of God’s people having many wives. We think of Abraham and his wives Sarah and Hagar, but look at the trouble Abraham brought upon himself and his descendants. The antagonism between the two brothers—Isaac and Ishmael—continues till this day. Having more than one wife at a time is against God’s will and Word.

Against Homosexuality

Marriage is a special relationship between two persons of the opposite sex—not man with man, woman with woman, but man with woman. As the saying goes, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.” Leviticus 18:22, “Thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” In other words, “Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman.” Severe judgement befalls those who pervert what God has so ordained. “For this cause God gave them up unto vile affections: for even their women did change the natural use into that which is against nature: And likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust one toward another; men with men working that which is unseemly, and receiving in themselves that recompence of their error which was meet” (Rom 1:26–27).

Homosexuality is a sin. Homosexuals consciously choose to live in sin. This choice is reversible. It is something that can be repented of. The only way to break the chains of this type of destructive lifestyle which breaks down the divine institution of marriage and the family is for the homosexual to confess and repent of his sin, and accept Jesus Christ as Lord and Saviour. The pure gospel will break the shackles of homosexuality for it is “the power of God unto salvation to every one that believeth” (Rom 1:16).

It must be made very clear that homosexuality is a sinful lifestyle that God hates, and that it is a sickness that God can heal.

Roles of Husband and Wife

A fundamental rule being blurred today is the distinctive role of the man and of the woman as ordained by God. In terms of worth, we are all equal in God’s sight regardless of gender, language, race or colour; but in terms of function, there is a difference! In the traditional and biblical marriage vow, the groom pledges to love and cherish his wife, while the bride promises to love, cherish, and obey her husband. In modern versions, the word “obey” is removed. What does God say about headship and authority?

In 1 Corinthians 11:3 Paul says, “The head of the woman is the man; and the head of Christ is God.” What is the meaning of “head”? Obviously, it cannot mean literally that the woman has a man’s head. Here it means headship or rulership. It refers to authority.

To prove this point, Paul cites the functional hierarchy that exists within the Godhead. Paul says “the head of Christ is God.” Note that all three Persons of the Trinity are absolutely equal in essence, in their omnipotence, omnipresence, omniscience; the Father is God, the Son is God, the Spirit is God. But in the area of function or role, there is subordination. God the Father has authority over God the Son. Christ occupies a subordinate position in the functional hierarchy of the Godhead. That is why Jesus said, “My Father is greater than I” (John 14:28). Jesus is saying, “I am an obedient Son to my Father, and am here to fulfil His will and pleasure.” Jesus performed that role perfectly. And the Father commended the Son: “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased.” Likewise, God has set up such a functional hierarchy for the family unit.

“Two heads are better than one,” but not in marriage. The husband is head of the wife. His duty is to love his wife as Christ loved the Church and gave His life for her. Her duty is to submit to her husband, as much as the Church is required to submit to Christ and do His will. It is when husbands fail to love their wives, and wives fail to obey their husbands in the Lord, that marriages break down. Dr Carl McIntire wisely advised, “There would be a great deal more happiness in homes if there were more understanding of the kind way and the right way of doing things.”

More in the camp… JK